


The Sanctuary in the Rain

by Haruka_1224



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: AU, F/F, Kotonoha no Niwa AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 14:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16621142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haruka_1224/pseuds/Haruka_1224
Summary: Seta Kaoru is a 15 year old outcast who longs to be an actor, tired of the mundane drudgery of school. Shirasagi Chisato is an exhausted, 15 year old actress who just wants to run away from her career. In a little shelter in a famous garden, shielded by the rain, the two meet and begin to develop feelings for each other. But will their relationship survive outside of their rainy sanctuary?Based off the animated short film, "Kotonoha no Niwa."





	The Sanctuary in the Rain

The sky used to be so much closer, Kaoru thought as she adjusted her tie, it used to seem as if she could touch the clouds with her fingertips if she were to just reach out. While it seemed so high over her head, it never really felt all that unreachable, as if all she had to do was climb onto a chair to touch it. Beneath that endless sky, anything had felt possible, but now...

How many people could even look up at the sky anymore? They were all trapped inside buildings, separated from the sky by featureless ceilings, by the roofs of trains and buses, by their own inability to look up from their books, phones and computers. In the busy world of grown-ups, it seemed that the sky had not much of a place, and even Kaoru found herself growing further and further from it.

Bending down to pick up her school bag, Kaoru called a pointless _ittekimasu_ into the quiet hallways of her house. Ever since her mother had died, the house had turned into a mausoleum, the air thick with inescapable grief. As much as possible, she avoided staying at home, but her other option, school, was hardly any better. It was a prison, filled with children that did not spare the time to look up at the sky, children who bullied her mercilessly for her height, her low voice, for… anything they could. She was an easy target, quiet and compliant, who showed up at school so irregularly, none of the teachers liked her enough to stop them.

Shutting the door behind her, Kaoru looked up at the sky once more - it was filled with threatening, dark gray clouds that poured thick sheets of rain down to earth. While it was an unavoidable nuisance to some, Kaoru welcomed the rain, she loved it, because it felt like the one connection she had with the sky that nothing could take away.

Opening her umbrella, Kaoru took a deep breath before stepping out into the downpour. However, instead of heading for the train station that would take her to school, she went, resolutely, in the other direction, toward a different train station that would take her somewhere else.

 _Where are you going?_ A little, panicked voice popped up in her head, worried about the consequences. So what if they had been detached from the world for nearly eight years now, Kaoru still had to abide by the law and attend that last year of middle school like any other Japanese child. Her attendance was already atrocious, some of her teachers had never even seen her face before. If this kept up, they would call her father, and maybe even the local law enforcement.

Sure, her father was too busy drowning in grief to care, but that could not be said for the police. They would surely cause some kind of trouble...

 _Shut up,_ she told herself firmly, _I’m just going to the park._ Sure, it was not the right weather for anyone in their right mind to be wandering around the park; in fact, that was exactly what Kaoru was relying on. She wanted to be left alone, so she could bury herself in the script of the latest play her drama club would be putting on. Who cared about school, about examinations and societal expectations? Kaoru wanted to be an actor, someone capable of being absolutely anyone, someone who would not be faulted for being no one at all. She had more important things to work on than Math and Science.

As she walked, the sounds of the rain slowly began drowning out her thoughts. The hissing of tires against the wet road, the splashing of her shoes through the puddles on the sidewalk, the crashing of raindrops against her umbrella, all of it wrapped around her like a blanket, briefly transporting her into another world. A world where she wasn’t Seta Kaoru, a motherless child on the run from society, as if she had somewhere to run to. (She didn’t.)

Turning up the path to the park, Kaoru cringed internally as she spotted a certain member of staff by the fare gate. Most of the time, the morning staff would ignore Kaoru as long as she paid her fare, since she was alone and didn’t seem to cause any trouble. However, this particular man was the cheerful type, asking her about her day or what she was up to, much to her annoyance.

Staring down at her shoes, Kaoru quietly made her way to the automatic fare gate, hoping that the man would ignore her since she obviously did not need his assistance.

“Good morning,” unfortunately, that did not seem to be the case as the man called out to her. “Strange day to be at the park, huh?”

“Good morning,” she responded automatically, keeping her umbrella low so that it would hide her eyes.

“Enjoy yourself,” he said brightly, waving her along, and Kaoru nodded as she passed him into the safe, silent expanse of the park.

Not too far from the entrance, there was a little sheltered alcove built into the garden, one that Kaoru had played in with her mother what seemed like a lifetime ago. For the last seven, nearly eight years since her mother’s passing, Kaoru had often found herself drawn back to it, as if by some sort of magic.

As she mounted the little stone steps to the shelter, Kaoru was suddenly aware that it was not as empty as she had hoped it would be.

At the far end, a beautiful blonde girl was seated, with a white convenience store plastic bag in her lap. She was drinking what appeared to be her fourth can of black coffee, and tilted her head very slightly when Kaoru arrived.

“Good morning,” Kaoru nodded politely as she folded her umbrella.

“Good morning,” the girl replied with a nod of her own.

With those obligatory greetings out of the way, Kaoru sat down on the next empty bench, pulling out the script she had printed and burying herself in its pages. Surrounded by the sounds and smells of the rain, of rustling leaves and gathering puddles, Kaoru slowly found herself relaxing. Once in a while, she could not help but sneak a glance at the other girl - she was so, stunningly beautiful, with long, pale blonde hair and violet eyes. Her fingers, wrapped around the coffee can, were long and slender, like that of a guitarist’s. And her aura… her aura was so strong, it made it feel as if downing unhealthy amounts of black coffee, alone in Shinjuku Gyoen on a rainy day, was the most graceful thing to do.

What was she doing out here, Kaoru found herself wondering, and why coffee? She looked no older than Kaoru was, yet she was clearly not in school - was she also skipping classes? There was no way she was homeless - she would not waste 200 yen getting into Shinjuku Gyoen if she did not have money to spare, as most other parks were free. She was also dressed too well for that - she looked like a model, or one of those fashionable, cute girls one would see hanging around Shibuya in the evenings.

“Isn’t it bad to drink coffee on an empty stomach?” Kaoru finally asked, resisting the urge to slap herself as the girl raised a single, perfect eyebrow.

Taking one final sip, the girl gestured to her plastic bag with her free hand, saying, “I do have food.”

Placing the can on the bench, she lifted up the contents of the bag - packet after packet of dark chocolate basically spilling out of her arms. She had a faintly detached smile on her face, the kind of expression that was sorrowful yet happy at the same time, which made her feel much older than she looked.

“Do you like bitter things?” Kaoru asked, trying to hide her grimace.

The girl looked down at her spread of bitter consumables with what seemed to be faint surprise, “I didn’t notice.”

What didn’t she notice, exactly? That she had only been buying bitter things, or did she fail to even notice the flavor on her tongue? Wordlessly, Kaoru could only stare as the girl slowly opened one of the packets. With the same slow, mechanical movements, she raised the opened bar toward Kaoru in a silent offer.

“I’m sorry, but no thanks,” Kaoru raised her hand politely, “I’m weak to bitter things.”

The girl nodded mutely, slowly breaking off a piece and putting it into her mouth whole. She looked even more detached from the world than Kaoru was, as if she were controlling her body from the outside, a fragile puppet going through the motions of life.

Beautiful, that girl was just too beautiful, the kind of breathtaking, soul-crushing beauty that the proverb 美人薄命  _(bijin hakumei)_ was invented for. _The beautiful die young,_ the world seemed to lament with each slow movement the girl made; she was like a fading flower, just a moment away from scattering in the wind.

“You’re staring,” the girl commented, taking another sip of her coffee. Despite her bold statement, her voice was still soft and distant.

Turning red, Kaoru snapped her gaze back down to her script, “I-I’m sorry…”

The girl chuckled, a gentle, tinkling laugh that reminded her of childhood, of a friend whose face she could no longer remember, of a time that had long slipped between her fingers. A wave of nostalgia gripped Kaoru so intensely, she could barely breathe, yet she managed to choke out, “Ha-have we… met before?”

“Many people say that to me,” the girl replied, the warmth from her expression disappearing. “I must have a common face.”

“You are far too beautiful to be called common,” Kaoru said automatically, the words escaping her before she could even process them.

Fortunately, the girl laughed behind one hand, taking the sudden praise with lighthearted grace. She was looking at Kaoru now, really looking at her, a sudden sorrow passing through her eyes as she said, “Actually… maybe we have.”

Before Kaoru could open her mouth, to even think of asking a question, the girl rose, sweeping her empty cans into her bag. Staring out at the rain, she said, “Goodbye. Maybe we’ll meet again, the next time it rains.”

Picking up her umbrella, the girl practically glided out of the shelter, her movements so graceful it was as if she were a fairy. Her parting words were a whisper over the falling rain, rhythmic in a way that suggested of poetry.

“雷神の 少し響みて さし曇り 雨も降らぬか 君を留めむ。”

_Narukami no / sukoshi toyomite / sashi kumori / ame mo furanu ka / kimi wo todomemu._

Stunned, Kaoru watched her go in silence, disappearing in the downpour like a beautiful illusion.

From that day onward, Kaoru vowed to spend every single rainy day in the park, just to meet that beautiful stranger again.

 

* * *

 

The next morning was clear, and with a heavy heart, Kaoru dragged herself to school, where she sat quietly in the back of the classroom, towering over the other kids, too far behind in classes to understand a thing. On her way home, she resisted the urge to check the park - that girl had said they would meet in the rain, after all, so it would be a waste of time to go when it was clear. Instead, she went back to her quiet, lonely house, cooked and ate a quiet, lonely dinner and went to bed early, praying for rain.

Two days later, her prayers were finally answered. She did not know it then, but that morning marked the beginning of the rainy season, heralding the end of spring and the gradual march toward summer. All she had felt then was a rush of anxious excitement as she flung herself out of bed, getting into her school uniform without any of the heavy-handed reluctance from before. With a cheerful _ittekimasu_ that did not seem to echo as much as usual, she rushed out the door and into the rain, her heart pounding incessantly against her ribcage like a deranged animal demanding to be set free.

Forcing herself to slow to a walk, Kaoru made her way along the familiar path to Shinjuku Gyoen. A different member of staff was manning the ticket station, one that did not even bother lifting his head as she passed him, since he heard the coins rattling into the fare gate and knew she had paid.

Keeping up a false sense of calm, Kaoru walked slowly toward the shelter, her eyes searching desperately for a telltale flash of blonde amongst the greenery. Fortunately, she was not disappointed - the girl was right there, in the same spot as she had been on the first day, surrounded by cans of black coffee and a half-eaten bar of dark chocolate.

“Good morning,” the girl greeted as Kaoru folded her umbrella.

“Good morning,” Kaoru responded, fighting to suppress the village-idiot-like grin that wanted to spread across her face.

Sitting down on the same bench as before, Kaoru pulled out her script as unhurriedly as she could, her heart hammering wildly against her chest. Did she look as afraid as she felt, she wondered; did her panic show on her face? She had waited so impatiently for this day, she had looked forward to seeing this girl again so much, but now that she was here, she had no idea what to do. What should she say, was there even anything to be said at all?

Before she could dissolve into a panicked, confused mess, the girl spoke up, “Is it a school holiday today?”

“Are you not attending school?” Kaoru replied, keeping her tone carefully neutral.

The girl laughed, took a sip from her coffee and said, “I suppose I deserved that.”

Once again, silence settled over the little shelter. It was clear that personal questions were out; it seemed they were both doing something vaguely illegal by being in the garden, so what else could she say?

Ah, an introduction. Where had her manners gone? Her mother would be so disappointed in her if she knew.

“Uhm,” clearing her throat, Kaoru decided to withhold her given name, just in case. “You can call me Seta. What should I call you?”

The girl looked faintly surprised, wrapping both hands around the can as she replied, “You can call me Shirasagi. Nice to meet you, Seta-san.”

“Nice to meet you, Shirasagi-san,” Kaoru bowed in return. Shirasagi… why did that name sound so familiar to her, aching like a scar in the rain? It felt as if the answer was inside her, just out of reach, blocked by the impenetrable wall that was her mother’s death. Had she known a person by that name, or was it a place they had been to together in better days…?

Returning to silence, the two girls sat together in the little shelter, the eye of the storm in the unforgiving whirlwind of life. Just like before, Shirasagi drank her bitter coffee and ate her bitter chocolate, staring blankly out at the garden, while Kaoru alternated between trying to read her monologue and watching her. Inside that little bubble, time seemed to pass differently, the rain acting as a shield that kept out the rest of the world.

Almost everything that girl did was breathtaking. Was this some kind of alternate universe, Kaoru found herself wondering, or some sort of magical illusion? Shirasagi seemed almost like a fairy, too beautiful for this world - perhaps she was the child of the legendary Princess Orihime and the cow-herd Hikoboshi, half human and half spirit, only capable of appearing in the rain. An ethereal existence that had no place to truly belong; that might explain the distant, sad look that was always on her face.

“Are you from an acting school?” It was Shirasagi who broke the silence this time.

“A-ah,” startled, Kaoru resisted the urge to throw the script over her shoulder and blatantly deny its existence. “N-no, I’m just… part of the drama club…”

Not of her school, of course, her attendance was far too shaky for that. Kaoru had joined the local drama club along her street many years ago, at her mother’s insistence, and remained a loyal member. It was the only thing that gave her colorless life meaning, being someone else entirely, and she longed to someday turn this hobby of hers into a career.

“Do you want to be an actor?” she asked, crossing her legs elegantly at the ankle.

Trying her best not to stare at those long, perfect legs, Kaoru replied, “I do. I know it sounds like a stupid dream, but I really do.”

Shirasagi smiled faintly at that, “If that’s what you want, do not let anyone stop you.”

“E-eh?” startled, Kaoru tilted her head - this was not quite the response she had been expecting.

“A dream relies on more than just hard work,” she continued, meeting Kaoru’s eyes steadily, “It requires luck… and a lot of sacrifice. As long as you’re willing to cut off anything that might be in the way… you’ll get there.”

“Y-you don’t think it’s unrealistic?” Kaoru asked incredulously - she had yet to meet someone who told her to get out of her stupid, flowery head when she admitted her dream to them.

Hiding a laugh behind her hand, Shirasagi replied, “I have not seen you act, so I cannot say for sure. But acting is not an unrealistic career path. That would be… being a Super Sentai or something of the sort.”

Kaoru couldn’t help but laugh, her tone more confident than she really felt, “Maybe I could show you, someday?”

Shirasagi chuckled, her eyes finally lighting up and filling her with so much _life_ that Kaoru couldn’t look away. “I’d like that.”

Kaoru was sinking into the depths of glittering violet, the water level rising rapidly around her as the rain continued pouring down, but oh _goddess above_ was she glad to drown. If the very last thing she ever saw was Shirasagi’s smiling face, if the very last thing she ever heard was that tinkling laugh, Kaoru would die the happiest human being in the world.

A sanctuary had been created, by some sort of magical twist of fate, in such an unlikely place, in such gloomy weather. The rain was like a blanket, rolling gently off the leaves, trickling into puddles that eventually emptied into the lake, washing away the dust and heat of a boring reality and dressing everything in thousands of little crystals.

“Beautiful…” Kaoru breathed, clenching her fists to stop herself from reaching out to bury trembling fingers into golden hair.

Tilting her head to one side, Shirasagi hummed, “Hmm?”

Flushing red, Kaoru tore her gaze away with a quick, “N-nothing.”

She didn’t want to scare her away by saying something weird; even though they had only met days ago, Kaoru could no longer imagine a life without even just the opportunity of meeting her again. What had she said again, the day they had first met? Something about thunder gods, about the rain, about being able to meet as long as it kept pouring down?

Regardless, for as long as it rained, Kaoru wanted to savor the time they had together, until the sun came back out and burned their sanctuary to the ground.

“Do you,” Kaoru cleared her throat awkwardly, then started again. “Do you happen to like Shakespeare?”

The girl’s brow furrowed slightly, “Shakespeare? That’s an interesting writer to like…” Pausing to finish off the last of her coffee, she continued, “I’ve only ever read _Romeo and Juliet,_ I’m afraid.”

“The classic,” Kaoru smiled a little, hesitantly raising the script in her hand. “This is _Titus Andronicus_ , another one of his works.”

“Oh?” picking up her chocolate bar as if it were a bowl of popcorn, Shirasagi gave an intrigued little smile as she said, “Do tell me more.”

Kaoru was more than happy to oblige.

 

* * *

 

 _“Tadaima,”_ Kaoru called as she stepped into the house, peeling off her wet shoes and laying them by the door.

There was no response, as usual, but that no longer made Kaoru as sad as it used to. Even in her once-monochrome house, colors had started to bloom, brilliant flowers that reminded her of rain, of the garden and its tranquil beauty, of the color of Shirasagi’s hair.

Dropping her school bag by the dining table, Kaoru cracked open the refrigerator to get dinner going. Sometimes, her father might eat, but most of the time, he didn’t - though that never stopped her from making a portion for him. Eventually, when he was hungry enough, there would be food for him that didn’t come straight out of a can or packet.

Did he even work anymore? Kaoru doubted it - a talented sportsman who had gone into business after his retirement, Kaoru hadn’t seen him leave the house since her mother’s passing. Fortunately, he had earned more than enough to waste away his life, and their quiet, mostly ascetic lifestyle further stretched what he had saved. And so he lived like that, drinking more often than not, staring into the emptiness that had swallowed the woman he loved and wishing it would swallow him too.

It was too dark a train of thought to continue on, and Kaoru quickly shoved it out of her mind, filling it with the beauty of Shirasagi’s smile instead. She had been genuinely interested in _Titus Andronicus_ , and they had a little discussion on whether he had done the right thing in killing his beloved daughter. Unlike everyone else, who just looked at her strangely when she said she wanted to understand her role better, when she said she wanted to justify his terrible actions, Shirasagi didn’t judge her. In fact, she encouraged her - it was a method of acting, and if it helped Kaoru perform better, then who was she to disapprove?

And, once again, when they parted, Chisato had whispered the same words again, words that echoed confusingly in Kaoru’s head. She wasn’t sure if she heard every single word right, nor was she sure what it meant, but she was definitely going to look it up once dinner was over and done with.

It sounded old; perhaps she was a fan of classic Japanese works, the way Kaoru loved Shakespeare, and had a fondness for quoting from them. She could also be older than she appeared to be - a college student, perhaps, taking Japanese Literature, or a graduate who was struggling to find a job with said degree.

The thought made Kaoru feel incredibly stupid - she was but a lanky 15 year old outcast with a head stuffed full of romantic dreams, a child whose feet were not firmly planted on the ground. What was she doing, talking about Shakespeare with a girl like Shirasagi?

Still… it felt as if none of that really mattered as long as they stayed within that shelter, as long as it was a rainy day in Shinjuku Gyoen and neither of them knew the other’s first name. A special magic had been cast over that place, separating it from the world, and as long as its rules were followed, the fragile illusion would not break.

In order to speak honestly, to feel at ease, they had to remain at a distance from each other. What a strange relationship they had, if it could be called one at all - two strangers meeting in the rain to talk about random things, in some sort of magical sanctuary that would not exist once the sky had cleared.

With a sigh, Kaoru plated a single serving before popping the lid onto the pan - it had been too many years since there had been another person at the table with her when she ate. The rectangular table, once too small to contain their energetic family at mealtimes, was now far too big. Two empty chairs stared silently at Kaoru as she wolfed down her food, chairs that used to contain bright-eyed, silly adults pretending to fight over dishes and “stealing” from one another’s plates.

They had been so hopelessly in love, Kaoru’s parents, and the house had been filled with laughter and joy before… before the accident. Her mother had been a voice actress, and a pretty good one at that, encouraging Kaoru to follow in her footsteps from an early age. They would act out books for her father, putting on multiple voices and pulling exaggerated faces; they would go out to gardens and zoos when the weather was good, packing picnics; they were happy and that was all that mattered.

Sure, her mother was often busy with work, and there were times where she would be away for weeks on end doing promotional tours. Despite that, Kaoru had never felt neglected or unloved - it was quite the opposite. The more her mother left, the more attention she would try to lavish on her, to let her know that she loved Kaoru as much as she loved her work and would never abandon one for the other. While some people had thought it sad, Kaoru had felt blessed - her mother was doing a job she loved, came home to a family she loved, and was living a life she loved wholeheartedly. What else could anyone ask for?

Muffled shuffling drew Kaoru from her thoughts, and she looked up to see her father stumbling into the kitchen, his eyes bloodshot. To her surprise, he nodded gruffly to her as he passed, fumbling for a bowl and helping himself to a generous amount of stew.

“D-Dad?” she said hesitantly, unsure if she should attempt to help him.

He grunted in response, setting his bowl on the kitchen counter instead of joining her at the table. When he began to eat, shoveling food into his mouth using the ladle, she took it as a sign to continue with her own meal, keeping a careful eye on him just in case he hurt himself. She had no idea if he was drunk or not, all his clothes seemed to reek of beer regardless of how many times she washed them, and he slept so sparingly, bloodshot was the usual state of his eyes.

“Kaoru.”

She flinched at the sound of her name, shooting to attention like a child with her hand caught in the cookie jar. “Y-yes?”

He frowned, staring at her as if he were looking at her for the first time. “You’ve… grown a lot,” he said, squinting at the badge on her uniform collar. “Middle… school?”

She nodded, not particularly surprised that he had not noticed the years going by. He had barely been present - sure, he had physically been there, sitting in the same spot in the house, but his soul had been a million miles away.

“You’re tall,” he remarked, gesturing for her to stand up.

She obeyed, wrinkling her nose at the stench of sweat and alcohol as he neared her. Somewhere in the years that passed, she had grown up to his shoulder, a fact that caught them both by surprise. Her mother had been a bit on the shorter side, a cute, feminine thing with bright caramel eyes. The only similarity between them was the color of their hair - Kaoru’s was the exact same shade of purple, though she wore hers in a ponytail instead of the long waves of her mother’s.

“I got it from you,” she smiled weakly, as if her height were something that she didn’t hate, something that hadn’t caused her more harm than good.

He shook his head at that, pulling away and shuffling out the door. Just as he stepped out of the kitchen, he mumbled, “Should’ve been more like her.”

The words cut into Kaoru’s heart like a dozen knives, but she just took a deep breath and washed the plates. Her father was sick in the head, he probably didn’t know how hurtful his words were, or even if he did, no longer cared. He had not been able to care for the longest time.

Putting away the plates, Kaoru fished her phone from her bag and set about searching for those mysterious words Shirasagi had said.

 

* * *

 

Chisato sighed as she heard her phone ring, wishing she could just throw it at the wall with all of her strength and watch it shatter to pieces. It was raining today, too, so she didn’t want to have to think about the world she had no choice but to inhabit.

For now, she could run away into a world of seemingly endless rain, but what would happen when it stopped? The rain was a stopgap measure, it was just fixing the leaks on a sinking boat with duct tape. But…

That girl’s smile was something she did not want to be without.

Seta, she said her name was. A fairly normal one, unlike her own - what had possessed her to answer that question honestly, anyway? Was it because that girl had failed to recognize her at all, because that girl treated her like she was any other stranger?

It was amazing, the way that girl could say the cheesiest things with a straightforward face, but could get absolutely floored by just a gentle word. It was a little sad, too - Chisato didn’t know for sure, but she felt like Seta was carrying around more than she let on. She walked with weight, like a child who grew up too quickly…

“Chisato,” the sound of her mother’s voice made her flinch, and she looked up just as she barged into the room.

With a little sigh, she said, “What?”

“Your manager called,” her mother said, stopping just short of ripping Chisato’s bag off her shoulder. “Where have you been going for the past week? You told me you were going to work!”

Chisato had no idea what to say, but decided that it was pointless to say anything anyway. If she said anything, she would probably explode, throw some sort of violent tantrum and get locked inside her room for her trouble. No, she wanted to go out, she wanted to see Seta in their magical sanctuary, regardless of what she had to endure to get there.

“After all we’ve done for you, I can’t imagine you would behave this way-”

Chisato wanted to laugh. _After all we’ve done for you._ Wasn’t that her line? She had thrown everything away to fulfill her parents’ dreams of having a celebrity daughter. At a young age, she barely had any time to play or to be a normal child - she was always hard at work, taking acting classes, dance classes, singing classes; with school on top of that, it was a wonder how she even had time to eat.

It was no surprise that those days were but a blur in Chisato’s mind, a hazy memory she did not want to keep. However… there had been one person there for her, when she was a child, one person who would make her smile when nothing else could. Her Kao-chan. Unfortunately, she could no longer remember that little girl’s face, not that it really mattered; they had been six, seven years old when they parted? At her parents’ insistence, they had moved to Tokyo, and that goodbye had shattered her so badly, Chisato tossed it aside and pretended it had never happened.

Now, even if she wanted to treasure the only moments of her life she had truly been happy, she could no longer remember them. They were but faded fragments of colored glass, and she had no idea what they looked like whole.

Shirasagi Chisato, the prodigal child actress that took the acting world by storm. The girl who could shine regardless of the stage you put her on, who could act anything you threw at her, from a sulky, petulant child to a dangerous, ancient demon. The girl who had her own fanclub by the age of twelve, the girl who was supposedly living every child’s dream.

If she had a choice, Chisato would throw that girl away without a moment’s hesitation.

“I’m going out,” she finally said, pushing past her irate mother.

“I’m not done with you!” she shouted, reaching out to grab Chisato’s shoulder. “Where do you think you’re going?”

Chisato caught her mother’s hand in midair, the strength of her grip catching them both by surprise. Coolly, she said, “I am going out. If you try to stop me again, I won’t hold back.”

With that, she threw her mother’s hand aside and stalked out the door, leaving the woman stunned behind her.

How long had she been an obedient, filial daughter, giving up everything she was to please them? Was she too late, was there even anything left of herself to salvage? Who was she, truly, underneath the lights and makeup and the sparkly frills of idol life?

Chisato wasn’t quite sure, but there was one thing she knew. She wanted to be the Shirasagi that Seta smiled at. She wanted to be the Shirasagi that looked up and smiled and said, “Good morning,” as Seta walked in, shaking the raindrops off her umbrella in an unselfconsciously cool way. She wanted…

She wanted to be free, to pursue what she wanted the way Seta clearly was. If only they could trade places - Seta wanted to be an actor, and from what she’d shyly shown Chisato, she had the talent for it. Meanwhile, Chisato just wanted to be an ordinary girl attending an ordinary school, freed from the burdens of her parents’ celebrity expectations.

With a sigh, Chisato popped into her usual convenience store, ignoring the worried look the clerk threw her way. For a little more than a week, she had been showing up on a near daily basis, buying unhealthy amounts of black coffee and bitter chocolate before disappearing. She always had a mask on - as every idol did when they didn’t want to be recognized in public - and refused to say a word so as to keep her voice from giving her away. All in all, she was undoubtedly a weird child, and Chisato was glad they hadn’t tried calling the police.

“Too much coffee isn’t good for you, you know,” the cashier said as he packed her purchases into a bag. “If you like bitter things, you could try certain vegetables instead.”

Chisato nodded mutely, picking up her bag and escaping as quickly as she could. It wasn’t that she “liked” bitter things, she just… couldn’t taste anything else.

She didn’t notice when it happened. All of a sudden, she just realized that nothing had a taste anymore, that everything was a bland, dead mess on her tongue. She could have been eating cardboard for all she knew, and the only thing that she could taste was bitterness. Not just any ordinary bitterness - milky coffee was just as bland as water - it had to be what ordinary people considered “incredibly bitter” to even register faintly on Chisato’s ruined tongue.

What had happened to her? Chisato wasn’t sure, but if her body continued shutting down like this… maybe she could retire early from burnout, like one of her seniors from the company. The poor girl ended up dogged by various heart ailments from her busy schedule, and it was thanks to her early retirement that Chisato had a break for the rainy season.

A handful of weeks, which amounted to nothing in the grand scheme of things. A handful of weeks… that’s all she had with Seta, and she was going to try make the most of them.

 

* * *

 

It had been almost nine days since they started meeting in the rain, nine days since the light had come back into Kaoru’s life. While they did not meet every single day, the rain was not quite that kind, Kaoru still felt much happier than she had been before.

Sure, she was getting ripped into at school for how her attendance was worse than ever. Her house was as empty and quiet as it always was, the silence only broken by the ringing of the house phone: her school’s futile attempts at contacting her father. But she was happy - as long as it kept raining, she was happy.

Even the sunny days that dragged on and on, that caged her and filled her with misery, became bearable as long as the hope of rain was there. Maybe tomorrow, she would think, that magical sanctuary would appear once again, and she could escape into a better world. She just had to live this one, sunny day down, and she would get to see Shirasagi again.

“Good morning,” Shirasagi called cheerfully as Kaoru turned up the path toward the shelter.

“Good morning,” Kaoru greeted, smiling back; over the days, that weird, distant look in Shirasagi’s eyes had slowly faded, she smiled and laughed more often, and she had even cut back on the amount of black coffee she drank.

In fact, this morning, there wasn’t a single can in sight. Her usual Family Mart plastic bag no longer contained a hell of bitterness, instead, all it held this morning was a bottle of black tea and a packet of grape juice.

Just as Kaoru sat down, Shirasagi handed her the grape juice with a smile, “Here.”

“E-eh?” Kaoru stared uncomprehendingly at the offered drink, as if it were some alien relic from another world.

With a little laugh, she said, “You said it was your favorite, didn’t you?”

Oh. She had mentioned it, exactly once, in the early days of their conversation; it was not something she had expected Shirasagi to remember.

“Ah, I did,” she nodded, accepting the drink with a smile. “Thank you.”

What a coincidence, Kaoru thought, she had also brought something to share with Shirasagi. She had gotten up a little earlier that morning and made a number of sandwiches they could hopefully eat together. It reminded her a little of picnics with her mother, play-fighting over the bread knife as they competed on who could make the most sandwiches in ten minutes.

“Did you not buy food today?” Kaoru asked.

Shirasagi shook her head with a sheepish smile, “I completely forgot about it.”

“Are you hungry?” Kaoru asked, pulling the box of sandwiches from her bag and offering them to her. “There’s chicken, ham and cheese, and those ones are lettuce and tomato.”

Her eyes lit up almost immediately, and she clapped her hands together with a cry of delight. “Ah, is it really okay?”

“The truth is, I made these so we could eat together,” Kaoru admitted nervously.

“Ah, that’s so sweet,” Shirasagi said, smiling so brightly, it felt as if the sun had suddenly come out despite the rain. “In that case, I won’t hold back.”

Picking out one of the ham and cheese sandwiches, Shirasagi dug in as if she had not eaten in days. “Mm, delicious!”

“Really?” Kaoru could not refrain from smiling back, “That’s good, I was a little worried.”

Shirasagi laughed at that, “Eh? Even Seta-san has some cute parts, huh?”

Flushing, Kaoru stuttered, “What do you mean by ‘even’?”

“Well,” she said slowly, reaching out for another sandwich with a slightly playful grin, “Seta-san is more like the cool, _ikemen_ type…”

Kaoru was relieved that she had nothing in her mouth, because she would have most likely choked to death. Coughing violently, she nearly fell off the bench as she stuttered, “I-I’m n-not cool…”

She laughed again, covering her mouth with her free hand, “I can see that now. You’re _adorable._ ”

Was she teasing her? Kaoru couldn’t quite tell, but there was a sparkle in the other girl’s eye that warmed her to the core. There was implied closeness, gentle fondness, in the way Shirasagi spoke, and Kaoru could hardly believe it.

“You’re the cute one,” Kaoru replied, trying to channel the charisma of the many princes she had acted as before. “The yellow-gold brilliance of the sunset, the gentleness of warm spring rain, and the softness of rose petals blown in the wind.”

If Shirasagi laughed any more, Kaoru was going to melt. It was magic, Kaoru had come to acknowledge over the days, it was definitely magic and it disarmed Kaoru in ways she had not imagined possible.

“You must be quite the ladykiller, huh?” she asked playfully.

Shoving a sandwich in her mouth whole to excuse herself from answering, Kaoru shrugged, averting her gaze so pointedly that Shirasagi knew she was uncomfortable. Kindly choosing not to press on, she returned her attention to her sandwich, having taken one of the lettuce and tomato ones this time.

“Did you make these all by yourself, Seta-san?” she asked softly, gently, as if she were offering Kaoru the subject change as was ready for her to reject it.

Nodding, Kaoru took a sip of juice before answering, “I did.”

“That’s amazing,” she said, without a trace of sarcasm in her voice. “The most I can do is butter bread.”

Kaoru laughed at that, slightly surprised - so Shirasagi was not perfect in every way, she had her weaknesses like any other person. “I learned to cook at a young age.”

It was not exactly a choice, since she had been left to basically raise herself following her mother’s death, but that was something a little too deep to share in this precious space. Instead, she carefully manipulated the subject once again to that of her script - Shirasagi had proven surprisingly knowledgeable at acting, though she refused to say why. Aware that everyone had secrets they wanted to hide, Kaoru decided not to press on, especially due to the circumstances of their relationship.

They were close because they did not know each other’s birth names, because the other was more stranger than anything else. It did not quite make any sense, but what they had was more fragile than a spider’s web, and Kaoru feared even breathing too hard would destroy it.

No, it was much simpler to bite her tongue when it came to personal topics and just throw herself at Shakespeare. Wasn’t that what she had done all her life in the drama club, avoiding smothering old ladies inquiring about her father or her feelings? _Titus Andronicus_ was much simpler to deal with, even if it was an incredibly heavy work for an “under-16s” play.

They were looking over one of the passages Kaoru had difficulty with - the one where Titus first sees his beloved daughter, Lavinia, after the terrible things that had been done to her. The grief of seeing his daughter so badly mutilated, on top of the news of the death sentence passed on to his sons, was something she could not fully convey.

With a thoughtful hum, Shirasagi leaned over to take a closer look at a certain passage of the script, nearly scaring Kaoru out of her skin when their shoulders brushed. With a murmured apology, Kaoru shifted the script so they could both see it better, but to her surprise, Shirasagi did not pull away.

“You could try breaking it up here,” Shirasagi suggested, pointing to a certain line, “choke back a sob, or something like that. Would it sound better?”

Taking a deep breath to steady her racing heart, Kaoru said, “Well, we won’t know until I’ve tried.”

 

* * *

 

The days passed at a speed so great, they left Kaoru reeling. The rainy season was soon coming to an end, with the days growing sunnier and warmer, and that meant the time she had with Shirasagi was dwindling. Just as she had said, would they disappear in the rain, no longer able to meet without the magic sanctuary it had provided for them?

Had those ancient words been some sort of prophecy, a warning that the time they shared was fleeting? The rainy season would not last forever, Kaoru knew that, but it had not been something she had to think about until now. When the rain stopped falling and the skies cleared, when sunny days chained together into the heat of summer, would everything they shared disappear forever? She didn’t want that, she wanted to keep meeting Shirasagi, to get to know her in the outside world, to… to respond to the feelings that might have been implied by that poem.

She wanted to make the growing feelings in her chest clear - she felt like she could fall in love with Shirasagi, and wanted to be given the opportunity to try. If Shirasagi felt like that was the wrong thing to do, then the relationship they had could disappear with the rain, as it would have if Kaoru didn’t say a word. But…

She was probably interested, right? In the weeks that passed, Shirasagi had often leaned on her shoulder, pressed up against her side and done all sorts of things the Internet said a girl trying to flirt would do. She laughed at almost everything Kaoru said, and even made some cryptic comment about the poem she’d recited when they first parted - all of it couldn’t just be a coincidence, right?

Even today, they were side by side, Shirasagi’s head resting on her shoulder. Her eyes were closed, as if she were asleep, and she had a relaxed little smile on her face that melted Kaoru’s heart. They had only known each other for five, nearly six weeks, it might be far too soon to make a decision, a confession, as big as that, but… would she get another chance if she waited?

What if Shirasagi disappeared in the wind, nothing but an illusion that would haunt her through the summer, that would haunt her forever? She had to try, she just had to, because the regret would eat her alive if she didn’t.

Shirasagi’s phone buzzed, and she gave a deeper sigh than she normally did, waiting for a few moments before getting up. There was something out in the real world that kept dragging her along, an unwilling dog on a tight leash, and today was no exception.

Swallowing thickly, Kaoru got up just as Shirasagi grabbed her umbrella, instead of just watching her go with a smile like she usually did. Confused, Shirasagi paused mid-step, waiting patiently for an explanation.

“Shirasagi,” over the days, they had dropped the honorifics, though that only served to make Kaoru more nervous. It felt weighted, the way her name rolled off her tongue so casually, and it was a struggle to choke out another word.

Seeing that, Shirasagi lowered her umbrella, reaching out for Kaoru’s arm with her free hand. “Is something wrong?”

 _Say it,_ Kaoru’s brain was shrieking, _just spit it out already, you spineless coward!_ Despite that, she remained frozen, trying to focus on the warmth of Shirasagi’s hand, the warmth she was not willing to let slip through her fingers. She could do it, she had to do it, because this could be the very last chance she had before the miracle that was their relationship dissolved under the harsh summer sun.

“雷神の ,” she started, forcing herself to meet Shirasagi’s wide eyes, “少し響みて  降らずとも 我は留らむ 妹し留めば。”

_Narukami no / sukoshi toyomite / furazu tomo / ware wa tomaramu / imoshi todomeba.  
_

Shirasagi’s eyes widened, filled with warmth, and then suddenly glazed over with tears. Burying her face in her hands, her shoulders began to tremble as she whispered, “Are you… are you saying what I think you are?”

“I…” Kaoru wanted to reach out for her, to pull her close, but clenched her fists uselessly at her sides instead. “I think I could fall in love with you.”

Shirasagi laughed a little at that, but refused to look up. She did, however, shift a little closer, so close that Kaoru could easily encircle her with her arms. For a while, they stood like that, awkward and unsure - this was a great risk, stepping out of their sanctuary into the real world, and Kaoru supposed that Shirasagi was more hesitant about it than she was.

“Seta, I…”

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

* * *

 

She couldn’t do this, she just couldn’t. No matter how much she wanted to accept Seta’s feelings, she couldn’t.

Chisato wanted to weep, in a mixture of joy and frustration and despair, because these were the words she’d longed to hear from Seta, but she couldn’t possibly accept them. She had felt almost familiar, like going home to a room that had not been opened in many years, and that soft, purple hair… reminded her so much of the girl she had left behind, her precious Kao-chan. Was it… was it a possibility?

No, no, Chisato could not afford to think those kinds of thoughts. The rainy season was drawing to a close, the date of her imminent return to work was approaching. And unfortunately, the very first assignment they wanted her back on was a two-month trip to Hokkaido. On top of that, she was an idol, she had signed a contract that clearly stated what she could and could not do, that all personal relationships on a level above “friendship” had to go through her management. And even if they approved of Seta, what would her fans say, would they grow violent and start to hate her?

“I’m sorry,” she repeated softly, hating the way Seta crumbled so clearly in front of her, looking every bit a dejected puppy. “I-I’m… I haven’t been honest with you, Se-Seta-san…”

She had to add that honorific again, it was only right. She’d been using Kaoru to fill the emptiness in her heart, to bring colors and taste back into her life, to help her smile again and briefly forget the weight of her obligations. And, in order to keep Kaoru around, she flirted with her, baited her in as if she were a piece of prey, despite being fully aware that nothing could ever come out of it. Selfish, she was incredibly selfish, keeping Seta hooked onto her so that she would never leave, until it was no longer convenient for her. Then, she would toss her aside, back into the ocean like an unwanted fish.

Those words came out of her slowly, at first, as if there were something stuck in her throat. But it came undone, and then the rest of it just rushed out of her, the painful and dirty truth of Shirasagi Chisato.

“I’m so sorry,” she whimpered, wishing she could give more than such pathetic, useless words to heal the hurt that Seta surely felt. “I didn’t mean to use you like that, I just…”

I just… what? Chisato had no idea. She had chosen to flirt with Seta, she had shown interest, even though she was fully aware that it would never happen. And when Seta showed interest back - she was so easy to read, with cheeks that flushed almost traffic light red - she had continued reeling her in, because… she had been afraid that Seta would leave, should she realize she had no chance.

“I’m a terrible person, I… I’m so sorry…”

She was sobbing, and Seta was so close to her that she could feel her warmth. It was horrible, she wanted to reach out and bury herself in it, but she knew she didn’t deserve any comfort, especially not from her.

“Shirasagi… Chisato… san…” Seta’s voice was painfully broken, devoid of that fanatical recognition that most people shrieked her name with. “I… I guess… I was nothing but a plaything for you, huh?”

She gave a self-deprecating, hollow little laugh. “You must have thought I was so stupid. I want to be an actor, and I don’t even recognize one of the most prodigious, famous actors of my generation. What a stupid kid.”

“Se-”

She refused to be interrupted, pressing on, refusing to meet Chisato’s now-searching eyes. “The game is already over, Shirasagi-san. You can tell me what you think of me now. A stupid, talentless kid you could string along for your own sake. A thing to be used and thrown away, without worth as a person.”

Chisato wanted to deny it, to scream and cry and protest, but her throat seemed to have closed over. She had used Seta, that was the undeniable truth, but she had never once thought of her as stupid, or useless, or a thing. She… she had thought of Seta as an escape, a warm smile, a gentle person she could draw strength from, maybe even a person she could love.

 _I could never think badly of you,_ she wanted to say, but she couldn’t. The poor girl was wrapped up in her own self-hatred, having come to the conclusion that she had been used because she was bad, because she was useless, not… not because Chisato had been bad and useless.

“Nothing, huh?” Seta laughed bitterly, a sound that caught in Chisato’s chest like a thousand knives. “I hope you at least had fun. Good luck in Hokkaido, Shirasagi-san.”

Stunned, Chisato could only watch as Seta walked off into the rain, not even bothered to raise her umbrella. In her head, the girl’s words echoed: _I think I could fall in love with you._

But she couldn’t afford it, could she? The indecision tore at Chisato’s heart, and she wished someone could just give her the strength to make a choice and live with it. Could she just let Seta walk away here, abandoning the warmth and happiness she had felt in the last five weeks? Could she live on like this, in an empty world she had long grown to hate?

_No._

With that, Chisato ran out of the shelter as fast as she could, not even bothered to grab her bag or her umbrella. She had to chase Seta down, she had to take this risk, because she had never been happier in her life than when she was in that shelter, flush against Seta’s side, feeling warm and secure in a painfully nostalgic way. So what if she got wet, so what if she caught her death of a cold in this unforgiving rain? If the only other alternative was losing Seta, then she would gladly die.

Fortunately, Seta had not yet left the park - Chisato spotted her just down the hill, and without a moment’s hesitation, cut through the grass after her.

“Se-Seta-san!”

She didn’t even turn back, her voice cold as she said, “I don’t need to hear any more.”

“No, I…” she shook her head, “I… I want to be with you, Seta-san.”

Seta froze for a moment, just enough time for Chisato to fling herself at her and wrap her arms around her neck, her body trembling with barely-contained sobs.

“What do you mean?” Seta asked hoarsely, her tone so cautious, so thin with fear, that it broke Chisato’s heart.

“I’m such a coward,” she mumbled into Seta’s back, unable to tell her own tears apart from the falling rain. “I’m scared of being with you, I don’t even dare to try, so… so I tell myself it’s impossible. I tell myself that I don’t care about you, that… that I can stand to watch you go, but… I can’t. I… I really can’t…”

Seta didn’t say a word, but she gently loosened Chisato’s grip around her shoulders so that she could turn around. The look on her face was still cautious, as if she had no idea what to believe, but there was more kindness shining in her eyes than Chisato deserved.

“I…” she whimpered, forcing herself to meet Seta’s eyes, “I do care about you, Seta-san, so much more than I should. And it scares me…”

She smiled a little at that, “Kaoru.”

“Eh?” Chisato’s heart nearly skipped a beat - could… could it be?

“My name is Kaoru,” she said.

With an incredulous little laugh, Chisato said, “That’s… a little strange…”

“Strange?” Kaoru’s brow furrowed adorably, and for a moment, she could almost pretend that they were having a normal conversation, that she hadn’t hurt Kaoru so badly with poorly thought out words and was trying desperately to fix the mess.

Shaking her head, Chisato said, “Never mind that. I… I know that… I don’t deserve to ask for this, but… I can’t answer your feelings now, Kaoru-san. Could you please give me some time?”

Kaoru looked surprised, and then smiled sadly. “I meant what I said, Chisato-san. Even when the rain stops, I’ll still be here.”

Chisato couldn’t do anything else but cry.

 

* * *

 

The seasons crept by without a word from Chisato, and Kaoru resisted the urge to check her official social media account or fan page for any updates. If Chisato never came back, if the wait turned out to be a pointless, eternal watch, it would be easier for Kaoru to let go if she didn’t spend too much time thinking about her.

Her final examination grades had been nothing to shout home about, but the performance of Titus Andronicus had been a rousing success - more than she could have ever imagined. A talent scout from a medium-sized agency had been there, and had offered her a contract on the spot. Since then, Kaoru had been attending the Tokyo Voice Actors’ Academy in Shibuya, hanging out with her agent’s more experienced actors on the side and working hard with everything she had.

Despite the pain Shirasagi Chisato had caused her, despite the whirlwind that was their final meeting and the painful hope that was every night that passed without word from her, Kaoru still looked back on those days with fondness. Even if it had only been for a few weeks, Chisato had made her feel comfortable and happy, she had given her the strength to work on her acting and supported her.

Summer had gone into autumn, which faded into winter as the year changed. There was no word from Chisato, and she could not avoid all news of the young star since they shared an industry. From what the others said, Chisato had been putting a startling amount of effort into supporting an LGBT charity, and while she had lost a number of fans, she had also gained quite a few new supporters.

Spring rolled around again, the season of new beginnings, and the season of her mother’s death. The atmosphere in her house grew tense and cold, but she could not just abandon her father - he would surely starve to death alone, without anyone to look after him, and Kaoru could not bear to leave him to that. Even if he had not been her father in many years, there was a part of her who still loved and respected him as one.

Fortunately, like all dark nights, the spring came to pass, and the rainy season descended upon Tokyo once more, bringing with it a different kind of melancholy. It had been almost a year since Chisato had last contacted her, and Kaoru was beginning to wonder if it was better to let go and forget than to continue creeping around her name like a lovestruck fool.

Still, Kaoru could not stop herself from heading to Shinjuku Gyoen on the very day they first met, sheltering from the world behind a screen of rain. It was raining again, and the staff member at the gate greeted her with a cheerful wave.

“It’s been a while,” he said; it was the very same man who had often greeted her when she skipped class the last rainy season. “I hope you’ve been doing well?”

“I have, thank you,” she nodded politely, stopping for a moment to engage in a little small talk instead of brushing him off the way she used to. “And how have you been?”

“Lovely, absolutely lovely,” he said brightly, “The last year must have done wonders for you, huh? Run along and enjoy yourself - it’s great to see you smiling, you know!”

With a heartfelt “thank you”, Kaoru headed for the same old shelter with measured, steady steps, doing everything she could to keep herself from running. Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest, filled with nervous anticipation, refusing to calm down even though she knew she would most likely be disappointed.

Chisato had chosen not to say a word, she had chosen not to come back to Kaoru, and she had to accept that. Eleven months was an incredibly long time, and anyway, Chisato seemed to be handling things much better than she did before. She was happier, she wasn’t hiding in parks gulping down insane amounts of black coffee - a possible sign, Kaoru had come to learn, of a mental condition that seemed to dampen the tastebuds. If she truly cared about Chisato, shouldn’t that be enough for her, knowing that she was in a better place than she was before, finally happy?

Kaoru was so deep in her thoughts, she didn’t notice a person sitting inside the shelter, a person who rose as she approached.

“It’s been a while,” said the person, and Kaoru dropped her umbrella in shock.

It was her, a little taller and rosier-cheeked than she had been before, but it was undoubtedly…

“Chisato… san…”

Slowly, Chisato drew closer, the words echoing rhythmically in the rain as she reached out for Kaoru’s hand, “雷神の  少し響みて さし曇り 雨も降らぬか 君を留めむ。”

That was her answer, Kaoru realized, an answer and a question all wrapped up in one. She had come back to the place where it had all begun, to properly convey the feelings she should have all those months ago.

There was only one thing Kaoru could say, only one thing she wanted to say. “雷神の  少し響みて 降らずとも 我は留らむ 妹し留めば。”

**Author's Note:**

> The poems used in this work (and the movie) are ancient tanka, a form of Japanese lyrical poetry that precedes the haiku. Chisato's line, 雷神の 少し響みて さし曇り 雨も降らぬか 君を留めむ, carries the meaning "when the thunder echoes and the clouds spread across the sky, when rain falls, I will surely be able to keep you with me." Kaoru's line, 雷神の 少し響みて 降らずとも 我は留らむ 妹し留めば , carries the meaning "even if the thunder does not echo, even if the clouds do not spread and rain does not fall, if you wish for me to, I will stay right here with you." It seems to be used (albeit very rarely) in confessions.


End file.
